This I guess is the most hot topic for any discussion! Screams for attention! ;-)
I was thinking about the text for my next blog, meeting a couple of friends lead me to this. As we were talking about college and friends etc.. we brushed upon this and man got into a hot discussion after that! It got us thinking, what is more important for a marriage to happen, is it love or circumstances?
As most of the time it happens in our country, marriages are "arranged". Boy meets girl, talk for a couple of months, family gets together and BOOM you are married, have kids and never ever have the time to realize what happened! Well I must admit this has worked well for a good number of people, but not so well for a smaller number. The situation here is totally based on chance, parents see the family, values etc and decide if it would be a "fit into their family". I do agree on the fact that these are important, but do you marry someone, because they fit for your situation, or because parental support is there for the relationship? Or do you marry someone YOU think you can lead a good life with? What is important here, love or situation? Sometimes circumstances bias us in making decisions. We assume that if someone fits into our present status and our plans, we would naturally be inclined to go for it, after all no one wants their plans to be changed!! But thinking this would be the best may not always be right.
People who are unsure about themselves, look for a rope to cling on. But in a marriage, YOU and your partner are the ones responsible for whatever happens, no blame game works here. The emphasis is, we all need the support of our elders, to guide us through, after all they have seen more of life and have greater experience, and also we are responsible for our lives, we need to strike a balance and go for the best!
Here's a food for thought, think about this.. If you ask anyone who's had an arranged marriage, if they would have gone ahead with the same partner, if they had met on their own, or there was parental resistance, a large percentage would answer Maybe or even a No!!!! A smaller cluster may say a yes indecisively, after all they wouldn't want to have a fight with their partner now and also their ego!!! ;-) The rest who say a yes strongly are truly the ones who know what they want out of their life. I guess I'm gonna write more about commitmment as a continuation to this, by popular demand! ;-)
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18 comments:
I guess it depends on individual mindsets. In some arranged marriages, it is possible that the parties involved would not have otherwise met their spouse if it hadn't been through the introduction. Yet others would rather meet people informally and learn about potential suitors through a more free-flowing process. You're right about the fact that you have to really think about what you want. But also, you need to think about who you are, and understand yourself well. Only through a deeper understanding of yourself, can you figure out which is a better option for you.
it is never about taking the right decision, but taking the decision and making it right. it is never about finding the right person, but being the right person. hindsight is a wonderful thing to fantasize about, but it doesnt give you anything actionable. so people, if you have someone in mind, just ask the question. else there is always the proposal that came through the astrologer - lots of people have hit the jackpot there too - so go for it!!!
Yes, I totally agree with shan. i want to say that however you meet, you should know yourself first and be sure of the decision.
Isn't it also important to be aware that people change over time? One may say that one must try to discover the "more enduring" or "unchangeable" aspects of oneself. But then, isn't it a much deeper philosophical question?
To me it appears that marriage requires a conflunece of seemingly contradictory things.
For example, on one hand, one must choose one's partner out of "free will", or rather mutually applicable free wills. And yet, on the other hand, it should also be as if it happened because it could not have happened otherwise, meaning as if it was "destined" to happen.
One wonders, whether one "chooses" the right partner, or "discovers" him/her. Moreover, if it is to be a discovery, how does one go about making it? What guarantees a correct discovery? Is mutual "love at first sight" the indication; or is a concatenation of circumstances (parental consent, astrological compliance, and so on) the infallible signal? What is "true love"? One will get caught in the labyrinth of these intriguing questions.
May be the answer must come from beyond the thinking mind!
There's a slightly different sect of people you haven't talked about - ones that are sure of their decision but cannot do anything against the wishes of their parents. Some may brand them cowards or fickle minds - not exactly, there's thought to it.
Love makes Life Beautiful! - great also true is 'kanna prema ni kanne prema ni polchi choodalemu'. For them parents' love does not weigh any less.
A marriage for some is not just the union of two people, its the union of two families. The point is its not as st fwd an issue as it may seem. Crushed between the fiance(e) and parents, the pain can be read from their eyes.
just a good old saying... when things are supposed to happen, they just fall into their place accurately. the debate does go on, the problem is always with choice and then priorities. when you know what you are looking for, you can always be certain you'll find it, at some point of life. marriage is never the end.
What bothers me the most is the fact that most of the Indian parents see the love marriage as a wrong doing! Do some parents think that their son/daughter is incapable of selecting his/her life partners? Do they worry about the society and relatives? Or do they just stick to their egos?
On the other hand, arranged marriage might be helpful to those who don't have much opportunities and luck to meet the love of their life on their own. There are pros and cons to both, arranged marriage and love marriage. I guess it just depends on the person.
Lakshmi YVAS...great topic and opinions will spread like the rainbow across the sky....
To some extent, I fit into your description of " A rope to hold on to", "Parental Obligations" ....what u said has happened to me....
Well one thing u must understand....the meaning of 'Faith' n 'Fate'.They play a big role in our life's.
I've searched for true love...in a certain path...the path read 'Dead end'.
One day...i went over to my old neighbor n sat with him in the garden to have a cup of Mocca.The same thing for the last 8 years asked me "when r u getting married".I told him i'm not able 2 find the match and told him about the "True love n the Dead End Road" n how i wanted it to happen.....
He said ....son..."Have FAITH coz FAITH can move mountains" and the dead end is your written "FATE" .Bury the old path and pave a new highway....
I left him at that point of time for i had better things to do.
The moral of the story is .....for some people, they r fated to meet n fall in LOVE...for most they get introduced then they fall in love...and for the unfortunate,they r forced to be united against their will.
Whoever n whatever way it happens.....Love or arranged...u still take the same oath.....love yourself,love your religion...n live life to the fullest.
hey Srirao!
I guess I agree with you too..fate and faith make a huge impact on ones lives..
I have a sequel written to this, which is coming soon!
Hope that answers a few more questions...
Well interesting comments.. thought i would add to it too :-)..
arrange marriage was/is/will be an issue every where/time... i am against it too.. But off late when I speak to my parents about this they often mention one thing.. society, relatives.. i dont want to hear this from your granny, or aunty etc.. we have struggled hard and you have to follow our decision.. What do they mean by society and relatives.. marriage in India is such a big issue because people dont mind their own business.. they often tend to get involved in others life and it is a trend that will mitigate slowly.. and with time it has changed and will continue..
Every coin has two sides.. well talking about marriage we have seen people forced into arrange marriage by their parents and we have also seen people not able to find a love in their life and tending towards arrange marriage. Now we cant say arrange marriage is bad for people who have forgone their opportunity or not found a love yet.. that's their way to come to terms with things..
Again love marriage has two sides too.. we have seen some successful love marriages and some shattered to pieces..
So what do you think is right? Arrange marriages or Love marriages? A question that amuses many adults and youth..
If you ask me the answer for that question i would say both have a probability of 0.5.. its just how good a person you are to complement the other sex and compromise at times.. let go ego and support.. there is no one thing that is right.. Let alone finding a love as many people have indicated to be the difficulty.. I still havent figured out the meaning of love.. Some times i feel it is just a feeling to be together with some one driven by physical force.. but when I talk to a few people they do mention things like same wavelength, i like his/her company etc.. so dont know what it really means.. yet to figure out...
so waiting to hear some comments from people on my thoughts.. :)
Cheers!!!
enjoy guys.. have fun..
If marriages are made in heaven, then one is stuck with a woman they are destined to marry the day they are born, whether they like it or not. Even though they meet the person at later time in their life either through love or arranged marriage.
Acculturation brings news ideas to our society and should help us to change things for better but not to see with contempt what is old and has worked for us for many generations.
Hey Kiran!
I agree with your thoughts. Everything in life comes with a price. Sometimes you have to please parents, sometimes your spouse. Compromising on few things would not be a big deal if you like the person, in fact you would be rather willing to do it happily.
What is love?
I think of it as a mutual feeling undescribable which only the two in love know! It may be different for different individuals.
hey laxs...
I do accept your point of view.. well marriage is an issue very debatable and the weired part it looks right from all angles based on ones perspectives..
Since, all of us here are form India or have Indian roots.. it would be interesting to start this discussion and I would want another blog may be from you :).. on this topic.. it is surprising that you have failed to mention religion in your blog :-O.. why is there a discrimination of some sorts or another? Whats your take on this?
I would then like to ask people in here even though a small group.. are very sensible..
Mr./Mrs. Anonymous
I completely agree to your point.. when people say marriages are made in heaven i feel like laughing on their face.. according to uncertainty principle to know the future you have to know every thing in the present which is not possible.. so ruled out!!!! marriages are not made in heaven...
I had a sanskrit teacher in my school who said this in one of our class.. according to him i dont remember the origin of this.. he said that a progeny or the sperm responsible for the progeny comes from an outer source.. it might be in the food you eat or what you drink.. etc..i mean for a male..
well i still ponder on this thought of his after years.. what do you think?
Kiran
Hey Kiran,
For strange reasons people claim that they don't believe in destiny but they tend to blame their luck when things go wrong and praise themselves when things go right.
I think one has to take responsibilty for everything in once life and this should apply to marriage as well. There are incidences where both arranged marriages and love marriages have failed, this is mainly because of the individuals actions not because which path they choose.
Last but not the least, India is a socialist country in heart and parents take responsibility of thier children till they are settled, so they have more influence on the children. It is much easy to talk about individualism in US, where parents have little role in thier children life after certain age. Had that been the case in India we would have slogging for daily labour now.
Dear Writer,
You have done a good job. Your choice of topic too is very good as most of the people would be interested in reading about the never ending debate in India.
As a critique, let me ask you a question, if you don't take it personally.
I guess you have lived or are living in the west. In western countries, marriages are all about choosing your partner. Right? Then why is the divorce rate in the west, much higher than that compared with India were MARRIAGES ARE MATCH-MADE?
Or, you mean to say, Indians should imitate first half of the western culture and retain second half of their own culture?
Think over this...
Anonymous..
Thanks for the comments.. I would like to say that the cultural differences play a major role in this and the reasons for such high divorce rates are dependent on this. As much as choosing a right partner plays an important role, being committed and making a relationship work is also equally important.. maybe things are lacking here which lead to such high rates..
Well one can not have best of the both worlds, even though it is a good thought. In India, people believe in the instution of marriage and a lot of sanctcity is attached to it; So most couples make the best effort to remain together and its very difficult to see the same here in the west.
Love marriage is not a bad choice, if parents agree, but not all the parents agree with us as they are one generation older than us. their ideas will be different then ours. I am sure we will also disagree equally with our children as well.
In india parental concenses is very important for a successfull marriage as we have a responsiblity to look after them as well, as we are their retirement plan.
Hello Blogger,
Good job on the blog and its been great reading thru the comments.
Just my two cents -
This is wrong and this is right - Are we being judgemental? Why cant we take things for what they are?
Everything has a price - The price of anything is the amount of your life you exchange for it, but life even for a minute is priceless - so how can one say which one is more pricier?
Coming to Fate & (or) / Destiny - do you mean that for everything that failed was it destined to fail? or is it because of the lack of human effort? if it is the lack of human effort are you not the master of your destiny?
In my view I believe that one can never connect the dots (in this case make sense of certain actions or decisions) looking forward. One can only connect the dots looking backwards.
Also are we forgetting that the current trend with marriages in India has adopted a method which gives us the best of both the worlds or may be an option for better or for worse (because you can never connect the dots looking forward).
Just as a thought - Life only delivers the opportunities that you manufacture !!!
Open to suggestions and Comments...
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